I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
People buying plungers never look happy.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.