Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
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Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.