My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
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I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.