My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
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Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.