Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
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My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?