The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
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i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent