To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
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Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?