Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
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I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough