I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
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[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
me when i see my girls butt
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
(Gaming support cat.)
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.