Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
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Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
u spoke cat all this time??????
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.