I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
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How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres