It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
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Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.