Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
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I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Selfie
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Good boy 😂😂