Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
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Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you