I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
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A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.