Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
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cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
🙋♀️
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]