*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
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Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
three things we don’t talk about
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!