911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
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My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
that de-escalated quickly
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe