‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
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Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]