Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
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Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Effort made
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.