Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
You Might Also Like
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car