‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
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The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.