Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
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Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
“i miss shittin on people”
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
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My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
The first matador
My zodiac sign is pistachio
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.