bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
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Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Miscakes
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.