looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
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[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
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pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices