I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
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I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I beg your pardon?
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
My biological clock is wheezing.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family