*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
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It do be feeling this way.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Denise please return my vape pen
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.