[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
You Might Also Like
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Why is everyone getting married at me
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.