Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
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Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
you stereotypes are all alike
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.