[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
You Might Also Like
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
[eats all your cotton candy]
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
describing stardew valley
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.