“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
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MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
True statement👍😏😁
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie