Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
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Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
¯_(ツ)_/¯
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.