I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
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If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
HR said no more nunchucks.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.