These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
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Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.