[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
You Might Also Like
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*