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[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
This trial is so absurd 😭
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie