Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
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Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
the official breakfast of 2021
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’