Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
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left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*