Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
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I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Me irl
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy