Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
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Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”