Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
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RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Mood.. 😂
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.