I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
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Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.