My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
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[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.