How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
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hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I’ve had worse
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
The dark side of Canada
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat