I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
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When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left