My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
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It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.