felt cute might bury dad later idk
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Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
same vibe as tangled headphones
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.