Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
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Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that