Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
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Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.