Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
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I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
ibopfufen
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”